Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

Grandma & grandpa are sitting on the porch enjoying a cool summer breeze when grandma turns to grandpa and punches him dead in the mouth and knocks him right off the porch. Grandpa picks himself up and dust himself off while asking "Damn woman, what the hell was that for?". Grandma looks over at him and says "That was for having a small penis!" Grandpa sits back down on the porch and says nothing for a few minutes. Then he looks over at grandma and punches her so hard in the face she falls backwards out of her rocker. Startled, grandma gets up and ask "What the hell was that for?". Grandpa answers "That was for knowing they come in different sizes!" :P :bounce: :P

[AJ]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between
us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I am sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

[AJ]

BEDROOM FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the **** was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Jana]

:lol: OMG those are hilarious!!! :lol:

[1ViciousGSX]

:lol: :bounce: :P :bounce: :lol:

[A//// Guy]

LOL those are great! Fart football was awesome but gross. :P

[AJ]

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from
the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much
will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $
49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last
year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing
loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw
Some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What !"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a
Scooter,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
You
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles
of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic.......

[AJ]

Blondes vs. Brunettes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of
them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says,

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

[AJ]

LET THE WOMEN DO IT!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

[AJ]

At a doctors convenyion in Switzerland,A conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another, and have him looking for work in 5 weeks."

A German doctor said "Thats nothing! IN germany, We could take a lung out of one person, Put it in another and have them looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, Medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "hah! We can take an A**HOLE out of Arkansas, Put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!!"