Official Joke Thread!

[Emcee gsxtc]

:lol: Well now, can't comment, am being attacked for laughing....

:lol: :lol: :lol: painfully funny

!Warning do not read with brunette girlfriend!

[JET]

The Dachshund

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.
They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the
litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the
world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 "
thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because
there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the
Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came
out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the
American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of his dog at all!

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush.

"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to
make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

[Emcee gsxtc]

:lol: That rocks :lol:

[JET]

Here are a few quotes off a site:

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme


What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is having sex.


If the dove is the bird of peace, then bird of true love must be the swallow.


When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

[Enes]

The Explanation of Life ...

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.
I
will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you
twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years!

Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and
the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

[A//// Guy]

Thats a good one E. haha

[AJ]

A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.

So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?

The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.

The trooper says, Well that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.

[AJ]

30 Years difference




1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair





1973: KEG
2003: EKG





1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux





1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm





1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor





1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage





1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM





1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian





1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint





1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones





1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office





1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system





1973: Disco
2003: Costco





1973: Parents bing you to get your hair cut
2003: Children bing you to get their heads shaved





1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test





1973: Whatever
2003: Depends

[1ViciousGSX]

Originally posted by DSMStyle@Sep 3 2004, 11:24 AM
A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.

So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?

The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.

The trooper says, Well that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.
hehehehehehe

[Rozzwell]

This is a little older, but I didn't see it posted so....


http://www.rozzwell.com/crap/blondbmw.jpg