Official Joke Thread!

[Talian]

BACON & EGGS

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives
on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
! The lit tle boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"

[Talian]

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love;
She Planned To Marry Joe
She Was So Happy 'bout It All
She Told Her Pappy So.

Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.

So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will,
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, "there's Trouble Still.

You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell You' Mother,
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.

But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe.
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy

[Talian]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your right side is a steep drop off and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer is :

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

[Talian]

Female predators!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happen ed to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[AJ]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage; If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm! going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Tauni]

Hahaha! Good one Alan!

[AJ]

What gender is a Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance,is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however,is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Halon]

A Marine Drill Instructor got word that one of his recruits Mother had just died. The instructor thought about how he should break the news to his young recruit all day long. He had never had to inform someone of a death before. At the end of the day all the recruits are standing at attention, in front of their beds. The Drill Instructor shouts out "Recruits, those of you with mothers take one step forward now!" The recruits who had mothers jumped forward, then the Drill Instructor quickly looked over and said "No not you Johnson!"

[Tauni]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[AJ]

BE ADVISED!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs".


Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.


After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.


If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.


For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf Beer Demo