Official Joke Thread!

[AJ]

The Tragic Results of a Man Not Listening to a Woman. Or Why Don't Men Quit While They Are Ahead?
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The stewardess , awareof his predicament, sugested he use the ladies room, But caustioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW","WA","PP", and "ATR".

Making the fateful mistake so many men in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, The man let his curiousity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediatly warm water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, Golly the girls really have it made. Still curious, He pressed the button marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom quickly. He thought, That was out of this world. The button "PP", Yielded a large powder puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, He panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, He cried out, What happened? "The last thing I remember was in the ladies' room aboard a plane". The nurse Replied, "Yes, You were having a great time until you pressed the button "ATR", Which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your peni* is under your pillow.

[AJ]

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

[AJ]

Three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter
meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here
is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed
him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my
heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a
stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same
thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question and
answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said, "Welcome
to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was immediately
handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the
other two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was,
were outraged. "How come he gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with
these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!"
Saint Peter said, "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone."

[AJ]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".

[AJ]

Some Blonde jokes for non-blondes to enjoy!!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Thanks Guys.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's *** ?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

[AJ]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[1ViciousGSX]

DAMN, Allan must have taken his Geritol today :razz2:

[1ViciousGSX]

Hey guys, did ya'll know that Sears is having a sale called,
'The Michael Jackson Sale'?.....yea, all little boys' pants half off

[FORSFED]

How can you tell the difference between a blonde male and a blonde female?

The female has a higher sperm count.

[1ViciousGSX]

HAHAHAHAHA