Official Joke Thread!

[Halon]

Ha!!!

[Kevin 1G Drummer]

Hahaha nice!

[polishmafia]

Hahaha!

[A//// Guy]

LOL! Awesome!

[1ViciousGSX]

Why athletes will never have "day jobs".

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black Hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[1ViciousGSX]

Two men are in a bar getting drunk when suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh No, the wife is goin to kill me". His friends says. "No worries, Mate, just tuck a 20 into your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone puked on you and gave you 20 for the cleaning bill". So they stay for a couple of more hours getting even drunker.

Eventually the man staggers home and as soon as he opens the door is wife starts giving him a hard time. She says, "God you're disgusting! You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself".

Speaking very slowly, so as to not slur, the man says, "You are mistaken. I only had one drink, but this other man at the bar got sick on me. He gave me 20 for the cleaning bill, just look in my pocket."

So she looks in his pocket and says, "This is 40 bucks".

"Ah yes," says the man, "He pissed in my pants too."

[awd-drifter]

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an asshole.”

-----------------------

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

------------------------

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One digs a hole and the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[Kracka]

Your jokes own, Vicious!

[1ViciousGSX]

Your jokes own, Vicious!

Thanks. :spin:

[96GST16g]

a man says to his wife you can either go hunting with me, give me a bj, or do anal sex with me. she replys well i am not goin hunting and i dont like anal sex, ill give you a bj. so after its all over with she says, " that tasted like shit!" he replys yea the dog didnt want to go either