Official Joke Thread!

[Jacek]

Those aren't real, they are just jokes. The funny thing is that the log books have stupid shit like that all the time. Whats even worse is that the flight attendants get their own log books.. The jokes are great though :)

[INTRIGUED]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

[Jakey]

A cowboy was herding cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area into a high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex calculations, then uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.



He watches the young man select on of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not?"



"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." the cowboy says.



"Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you know?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.....



.....Now give me back my dog!"

[Jakey]

More proof that gasoline prices are out of control:

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars
worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

[Jana]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

That read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing.

It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

[unreal808]

Math joke.

[INTRIGUED]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

[dsmfanatic]

alright no offence to black people but.

there was a black guy at thebus station waiting for the bus and he really needed to take a shit, he doesnt want to leave because he might miss the bus so he takes it right where he was standing. a couple minutes later the bus comes by and the bus driver says to the man with the poop next to him " it will be 1 dollar for you and 50 cents for your little brother"

[joem]

"Drive-Through Banking"

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note
that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful
research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."


"Male Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

















"Female Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance from
the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and
place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[dsmfanatic]

lol