Official Joke Thread!

[98gstaherns]

wow lol

[Talian]

Going home after a Girls’ night out ...

The other night a wowan was invited out for a night with "the girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. -Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[AJ]

Bored? Here ya go.

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time ;)

http://funny2.com/facts.htm

[B-Unit]

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time ;)

http://funny2.com/facts.htm
damn straight took an hour and a half out of the work day here thanks man :D

[1ViciousGSX]

DR. PHIL:



The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.





OPRAH:


Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.





GEORGE W BUSH:


We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.





DONALD RUMSFELD:


Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite


image of the chicken crossing the road.





ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:


We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.





JOHN KERRY:


Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.





JUDGE JUDY:


That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.





PAT BUCHANAN:


To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.





MARTHA STEWART:


No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.





DR. SEUSS:


Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.





ERNEST HEMINGWAY:


To die in the rain. Alone.





JERRY FALWELL:


Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.





GRANDPA:


In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.





BARBARA WALTERS:


Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to


the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.





JOHN LENNON:


Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in


peace.





ARISTOTLE:


It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.





BILL GATES:


I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \... (reboot).





ALBERT EINSTEIN:


Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?





BILL CLINTON:


I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?





AL GORE:


I invented the chicken!





COLONEL SANDERS:


Did I miss one?



:D

[98gstaherns]

Bored? Here ya go.

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time ;)

http://funny2.com/facts.htm
Going off of that this is good too!
http://funny2.com/hedberg.htm

[2.SlowES]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[2.SlowES]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[Talian]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad.
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[2.SlowES]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."