Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

^^ :lol: ^^

[1ViciousGSX]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

[LingLing]

^^:rollinglaugh:^^

[goodhart]

here is one. don't know if this one been taken or not but here goes..

4 guys working in a factory, 1 asian guy, 1 black guy, 1 mexican guy, and 1 white guy. The white guy was the supervisor of the three and wanted the black guy to sort up all the boxes on the shelf, then he wanted the mexican guy to clean, and wanted the asian guy to go down stairs to the basement and get more supplies, because they wanted to get ready for the big boss inspection the next day. So they all went and do there own thing. Hours pass and they didn't see the asian guy come back with any supplies. The white supervisor went and ask the black guy to see if he seen the asian guy and the black guy reply no, he then went and ask the mexican cleaner and he to said no.. Hours pass by again and it was the last minute of the long 10 hour day for them. All of them came in the lunch room to punch out and the white supervisor ask the other two guys if they seen the asian guy and they both said no again and punched out. Then the supervisor begin to wonder if the asian guy quit or not or just left home for the day. The next day came around and the big boss was there to inspect the place and every thing checked out good but there was no extra supplies.. So he got mad and told the white supervisor that they did a bad job with putting up new supplies like he order and the boss himself will have to go and get the supplies to restock himself. So the boss went down stairs turns on the light and out of no where the asian guy jumps out of a dark corner yelling supplies, supplies....

http://i.imgur.com/BtNBg.gif

[1ViciousGSX]

Baptist Upbringing!!

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them..

Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person.

http://lh6.ggpht.com/_Zn5uDOE-S5Q/S9nJkhUOVLI/AAAAAAAAB5E/OkFf5GLTXHI/s800/image001111.jpg

So I did, and my wife reached out and touched me.

http://lh5.ggpht.com/_Zn5uDOE-S5Q/S9nJk65E4VI/AAAAAAAAB5I/9S5-_TBsgCA/s800/image0022.jpg

I won't be at church this week ..

[1ViciousGSX]

FIRST TIME SEX .............


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was the pharmacist.'

[Matt D.]

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked; and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

[cmspaz]

^^^ Matt D, you just won this thread.

[goodhart]

Spaz quit kissing ass.

[Kracka]

LOL thats pretty good Matt :D