Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved. He signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% ofthe mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[niterydr]

My manager at The Home Depot told me this one:

A young farmer and his wife just got married. There mode of transportation is a mule drawn carriage.

The journey to the farmers homestead is around 25 miles. About 10 miles into the trip, the carriage stops:
Wife: "What happened?"
young farmer: "The mule must have gotten tired, I'll go fix that."
So the farmer hops out of the carriage and proceeds to walk up to the mule, who is sitting on his rump. He squares off with the mule, points his finger at the mule's face and says "Thats one!"
Immediatly the mule stands back up, he goes back to the carriage, and they proceed down the road.

About 5 miles later, the carriage stops again.
Wife: "Hunny!"
Young farmer: "Damm mule, I'll take care of this!"
So once again the farmer hops out, walks up the the mule, and squares with him. Pointing his finger in his the mules's face, "Thats TWO!"
The mule gets up and they proceed down the road.
About a mile later, the carriage stops again.
wife: "This is getting annoying"
The young farmer, without a word, gets out of the carriage, walks to get back and gets something.
As he squares off with the mule, he points his gun and blows the mule's head clean off. "Thats three", he says as he puts the gun down.
Immediatly the wife screams at him. "What are you doing? How are we going to get home now? Why did you do that to the poor mule?"
He calmly walks up to the carriage, hops in, points his finger and says, "Thats one!"

[LightningGSX]

True story.

-An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

[TheBlizzard]

Here is a few good jokes for you guys:

How do you know you're in a church that welcome homosexuals?
-Only half the congregation kneels and prays.

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape that sound sexy and brought it home. Once at home she removed all her clothes and put the tape in the VCR. When nothing appeared on the screen except static she called the video store and complained saying "I just rented a porno from and theres nothing on the tape but static" The clerk said " Sorry about that, what movie is it?" The blonde replied "Head Cleaners."

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. Once said to another, "how about it?" The other replied, "no way, I came into this world from a broken rubber and I am not leaving the same way."

A man walked into a sex shop and asked the clerk for a blow up doll. The clerk asked "christian or muslim?" The man said "whats the difference" the clerk repied "the muslim one blow her self up."

CRAIG

[AJ]

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?





































The entire front row at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

[DSMPARTSGURU]

why did the cookie go to the doctor??????












HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY......

HAHAHA

[Raptor]

Wait, I get it! Hahahahaha, that is funny! Feeling Crummy! hahahahahahah!

[FattyBoomBatty]

so, this japanese guy jumps out of the closet and yells, "SUPLIES!"

[Onefast99gsx]

People around my area know how much I hate the current heat streak we're having here. Thought i would share this with you.



Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is

beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.



June 14th:



Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.



June 30th:



Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus

and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for

me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



July 10th:



The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of breezy, though.

But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.



July 15th:



Fell asleep by the community pool - got 3rd degree burns over 60% of

my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned

my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



July 20th:



I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died

and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water

balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and *****. I learned my

lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes

again.



July 25th:



The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's

hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC

repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order

parts.



July 30th:



Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house

and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever

come here?



Aug. 4th:



It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It

cost $500 and only gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this

stupid state.



Aug. 8th:



If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to

strangle him. Damned heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator

is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked

cat!!



Aug. 9th:



Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on

the seats in the car, I thought my *** was on fire. My skin melted to

the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my

legs and *** ... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ***, AND

baked cat.



Aug 10th:



The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2

damned months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next

week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will

be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.



Aug. 14th:



Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the

car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you

today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Bet

that glass man will never ask THAT question, again !!! Will write

later to let you know how my trial goes.

Freaking Arizona!!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to

live here in the summertime??? Now I know why all those old folks head

back up north every May!!!

[JET]

Australians are too funny.......
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget