Official Joke Thread!

[97gstchick]

WHY I AM TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep, not enough sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

[eclipseGSX108]

Hey i got one.. My step father just told me.. if someone has heard it sorry.. if someone has posted it tell me and i'll delete it.. i havn't read threw the whole thing...

here it goes lol

2 guys feel like going for a drink, The guys says lets go for a drink, other guy says alright then they figure out that they don't have any money.. they scavange up all the money they could making only a dollar. So the guy says wait i got a idea, he goes into a deli and gets 1 hot dog. The guy said why did you spend the money on a hotdog the other guy says, We'll go into the bar get our drinks and when we finish i'll put this hotdog threw my zipper and you get on your knees and start sucking on it.. they will think we are gay and kick our ass out! So they do this and it works, they go through about 4 bars then the guy that has been getting on his knees says, alright man lets call it quits, my knees are starting to hurt and i'm getting a little hungry, the other guy says thats wierd i'm not, i ate the hotdog about 2 stops back. :D

[LingLing]

So Princess Diana and Dolly Parton died on the same day. Both of them are at the gates of heaven waiting for God. When God comes up he says,
"Ladies, I only have room for one person tonight. So you're going to have to compete...Whoever can impress me the most will get in."

Immediately Dolly Parton takes her shirt off and shows off her huge breasts. God says, "Wow, Dolly, that's really impressive..Your turn Princess"

So Princess Diana rummages through her purse and pulls out this bottle, shoves it up her pu**y and dousches, right there in front of God."

God says, "WOW, Princess, that's amazing! You get to come in to heaven tonight!!"

Dolly replies, "How is that impressive! That's disgusting!!!!"

God shook his head and told dolly, "Dolly.....A Royal Flush ALWAYS beats a Big Pair!"

[Jakey]

Definition of ugly..........



An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks? "Are they twins"?

The woman says? "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why?? Do you think they look alike?"

"No",? he replies,? "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[Tauni]

Here's a good one:

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella every where he goes?

A: Fa Drizzle!

[Talian]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down! on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: " ..And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Talian]

A man and woman were at a bar having a drink. One thing led to another, and they began chatting, finding out that they were both doctors.
After an hour or so, and after getting along reasonably well, the man asked the woman, 'Listen, we are both professionals - why don't we have sex tonight, no strings attached!'
The woman doctor agreed, and returned with the male doctor back to his place. He went to the bedroom, and she to the bathroom - to prepare.
She undressed and began scrubbing her hands like she was going into the operating theatre. After ten minutes of scrubbing, she eventually went into the bedroom, and the two doctors had sex.

Afterwards, the man said, 'I'm guessing that you're a surgeon, right?'
'Yes,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?
'I could tell by how clean your hands were when you came back from the bathroom,' he replied.
'That makes sense,' she said. 'I'm guessing you're an anesthesiologist, right?'
Surprised, the man said, 'Yes I am! How did you know?'
'Because I couldn't feel a thing,' she replied.

[Talian]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we are now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.... !

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[Talian]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Talian]

How to say 'I love you' in 10 languages...

1) English: I Love You

2) Spanish: Te Amo

3) French: Je T'aime

4) German: lch Liebe Dich

5) Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

6) Thai: Phom rak khun

7) Italian: Ti amo

8) Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

9) Swedish: Jag Alskar

10) USA -more than 1/2 the states: Nice ass, Get in the truck!