Official Joke Thread!

[A//// Guy]

That is fucking sick.

[AJ]

HAHAHA, sick and wrong but come one it's funny. :lol:

[LightningGSX]

This is great, I think I got it from 'Tuners.


I was very happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[AJ]

HAHAHA I have read that one a long time ago.. Thats funny as hell!

[JDM]

What's the hardest part about rollerblading??


Telling your dad that you're g-a-y!

[glempo]

Are you saying rollerblading is gay? :bs:

[1ViciousGSX]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night." -Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL." -Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant." -George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." -Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of
humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men are just grateful." -Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" -Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." -Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom." -Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy." -Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life." -Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns

[john]

HA HA AHA HA AHA. Good ones.

[1ViciousGSX]

CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-spouse and it's lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... An archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... now known as only a 201K

[unreal808]

Did you know that Ellen Degeneres drowned!










Ya, she was found face down in Ricky Lack. :jammin: