Official Joke Thread!

[unreal808]

*lake* sorry

[unreal808]

anyone ever had "up dog"

[john]

whazzzzz up dawgggggggg!

[AJ]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me."



I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the
jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.



Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.



Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, Let's go to the cashier".



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT???!!!"



I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile..
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."



And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[A//// Guy]

HAHA thats awesome!

[1ViciousGSX]

Worst Joke I Ever Heard



Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.

He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:



You sure you want to know?



O.K. You asked for it......



"Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Jana]

Dear Diary:



For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although

I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team

15 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it

a try.



Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor

and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased

with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a

diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at

the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was

something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She

took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed

that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to

her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful

way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring.

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was

already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!




TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the

air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on

the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile

made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for

me.





WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush

on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I

believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long

as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the

club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my

screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too

perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this

nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told

me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other

**** too.




THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed

as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I

couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie

my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she

was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to

find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I

sank.




FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my

body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the

*&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the

drama coach or the choir director?




SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing

her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I

lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching

eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.




SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next

year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --

like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[blageo23]

A California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer pulls over a woman for speeding. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

[JiN]

Bill Cosby, Scrooge McDuck, and some gay guy all go to Hell. Satan makes a deal with them all. He says:

"Bill, you can never eat another pudding pop, or you'll be coming back to hell. Scrooge, if you pick up another cent off of the ground, you'll be joining us. And homo, if you ass ram another man, for any reason at all, your coming back too!"

They all sign the contract. About 5 years later, Mr. Cosby is shopping for groceries, when he eyes the biggest damn pudding pop he has ever seen. Even though he's gone five years without one, he gives in to temptation and eats it. POOF, he goes to hell.

About two days later, Scrooge is walking around downtown, and sees the most blinging 50 cent piece laying on the ground, he cant resist. He bends over to pick it up and POOF, the fagot went to hell.

[1ViciousGSX]

London, The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit ! there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."