Official Joke Thread!

[Talian]

Blonde Joke

Three women visit Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning. None of them
can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I'm from Grace University
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately
prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering and I'll tell you right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Talian]

Some jokes for everyone;)

-You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

-At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

-When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

-A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

-A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

-Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

-If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

-Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

-A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

-One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what ! do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

-Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? !

A: Trustworthy.

-Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

-Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

-Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Talian]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such
a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T,
is hairy,oval,delicious and contains thin,whitish
liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong....

[Talian]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real
passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Pee.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo' sound again.! ; Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

[EclipseGST]

This may be a repost but its a good one...

How to keep a blond busy. Check it out, too long to post in here.

http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274

[EclipseGST]

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

-----They both come on little crackers.
__________________________________________

Why do tampons have strings?

-----So men can floss when they get done eating.
__________________________________________

What do you call a tampon?

-----Beaver Dam
__________________________________________

Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?

-----More traction in the mud.
__________________________________________

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

-----The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.
__________________________________________


-----2 gay guys are having sex when the phone rings. 1 guy jumps up and says hold on, I'll be right back, but whatever you do, dont come. 5 mins later the guy comes back and there is come all over the sheets, head board and the wall. The guy says, "What the hell, I told you not to come." The other guy replies, "I didnt, I farted."

[Talian]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he instructed the chicken to grab the thing hanging-down and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ....... "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[A//// Guy]

Haha that was pretty good!

[Jana]

True Doctor Stories





A man comes into the ER and yells,

"My wife's going to

have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was



in the wrong one.



--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX











At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's

anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I

instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

remorsefully

replied the patient.



--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA









One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."



--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada







I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He

couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.



--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA







During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.



--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA





While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."



--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR





I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."



--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI







And Finally . . . .







A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.



The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?"



She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."



--won't admit his name

[TheBlizzard]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."