Official Joke Thread!

[Enes]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and
said to him.."Take me ....young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ....And
that's
when I shot the little bastard

[Enes]

A modern day cowboy, has spent many days, crossing the desert without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last,
when all of a sudden,
he sees an object sticking out of the sand, several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing, an Internal Revenue Service ID badge, and a dull gray
dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie."You know how I work. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway."

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis,with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself, in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with, jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish, is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself, surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no
matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon!


The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

[Jana]

:lol: Good one E! :lol:

[Enes]

Mrs. Vaccaro comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with
a
female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Anthony replied, "Well, I doubt
it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, and
I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother, especially if she's
Italian!

[Enes]

Giving Blood...

Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was
crying, tears pouring down his face.

The other blond man asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for a blood test."

The second one asked, "So? What are you crying for? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut
off
my finger."

Upon hearing this, the second man began to cry. The first man was
astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

The second man replied, "I came here for a urine test."

[Enes]

ADDAD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out
the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in
the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.


I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find
the
remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

[Enes]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day, the officer decides he might give
the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So,
he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer
asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a
last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost
it. The cop thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's
a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, a
funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to
myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized
that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school,
internship, residency, finally got my degree; so I became Fred
Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. While
practicing dentistry I started fooling around with my assistant. She
gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred
Dingaling,
MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred
Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The
officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Enes]

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and
told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me
in
the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up
quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward
the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The
Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30
minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to
kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

[Blade]

owned!

[tpunx99GSX]

a guy goes to a whore house and says he wants the best hooker they have... the ladie behind the counter replies "ok you can have sandpaper sally" hes replies "is she good" "yeah shes the best" so he goes in the back room with sandpaper sally and they start fucking and hes like "stop its like chaffing and scratching me!!!" so she gets up and goes to the bathroom and after a little while she comes back and starts fucking him again, this time he finishes and exclaims "DAMN that was fucking awesome, what did you do in the bathroom?" then she replies... "Picked the scaps and let the puss run"