Official Joke Thread!

[AJ]

Lesson 5 is the shit! No pun intended!

[TheBlizzard]

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."


CRAIG

[TheBlizzard]

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."


CRAIG

[TheBlizzard]

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"


CRAIG

[TheBlizzard]

A guy named Justin gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Justin looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver whos name is Craig says to Justin, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." Justin says that he'd love to know, so Craig tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

Justin decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying, Justin jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. Justin agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After Justin finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the guy from the bus!!"

Then Craig jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

CRAIG

[TheBlizzard]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud


(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao




Stupid Man

Dum Gai




Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni




Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?




I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni




It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim




This is a tow away zone

No Pah King




You are not very bright

Yu So Dum




I got this for free

Ai No Pei




I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?




Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?




They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.




Stay out of sight

Lei Lo




He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.




Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki




I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?


CRAIG

OK I AM DONE NOW. LOL.

[Shotgun!]

It's all so true

[tpunx99GSX]

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted
to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a
big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving
the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

[1ViciousGSX]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o' this.

I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

[Jana]

LOL, that' funny & gross at the same time. :D