View Full Version : Official Joke Thread!
Halon
11-07-2003, 02:37 PM
wow man, all u can think about is pussy? i bet u haven't found the dolphins yet in my avatar huh? j/k man, im just messin. anyway ya, i didn't realise my joke sucked so bad. my apologies
Iceman
11-07-2003, 05:52 PM
Usally im all about the penis and pussie jokes but that one doesn't make me laugh..
:woowoo:
1- I was thinking about one of the status symbols of today -- those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
2- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
3- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
4- I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
5- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease...that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
6- You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
7- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
8- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write..........
A Good Doctor!
9- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
10-I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they are cramming for their finals
A couple brings their daughter to the office of an old southern doctor,and ask to speak in private to him about her.What's the problem the old doc asks?Well doc, the mother replies,our daughter is nearly 20 and nobody has ever asked her out on a date.The old doc says,well what do you want me to do?Well,the father repies,we think maybe our daugter has cronic bad breath or B.O. or something that's keeping her from getting dates.And we want you to examine her and see if you can figure out what it is?The old doc reluctantly agrees to see the girl and try to ease the worried parents minds.They go and get the girl, and the doc calls her into the examining room.
He looks at the girl,with a serious look on his face,muttering UH HMMM ,UH HMMM.He tells the girl to undress.She does and once again he looks and mutters UH HMM,UH HMM.He tells her to turn her back to him,and bend over.She does,and he says bend all the way over and look at me from in between your legs.She does as he says.AHHH HA!!! He exclaims!!I know what your problem is,you get dressed and I'll go talk to your folks.
The old doc goes to where the worried parents are seated and says,Ive figured out what the problem is with your daughter.OHH!! THANK HEAVENS!!,they exclaim. What is it they ask? Well, I'm afraid your daughter suffers from "Zactly" disease.OH!!NO!!What is "Zactly" disease,they ask?The old doc says,Well,I'm afraid your daughters face looks"Zactly" like her a$$.
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Nun Goes Fishing
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!
=============================================
Top 16 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a$$hole.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called
...they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.
Hey...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to America
...now speak English
Here is one I heard off 93x a while ago. You may have heard it but I will post it anyhow:
Q-How do you know you are at a gay BBQ?
A-The brots taste like shit
Originally posted by 92tsiawd84@Nov 10 2003, 11:51 PM
Here is one I heard off 93x a while ago. You may have heard it but I will post it anyhow:
Q-How do you know you are at a gay BBQ?
A-The brots taste like shit
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but now we know:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework,
you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work
enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation;
if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a
job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep
quiet it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive dolt.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if
she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if
she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert; if you don't, you're oh snap.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist;
if you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're
a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're
not
thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you
aren't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't
love her anymore.
Men die first because they want to.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on without second thought......
Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are
for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive....
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign
next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit
who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and
was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." .....
He is led through many winding passages and is soon
quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
" Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of
this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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