Official Joke Thread!

[EclipseGST]

Three car guys are leaving a bar - a Camaro owner, a Mustang owner, and a DSMer. They spot a magic lamp in the parking lot and pick it up. The Camaro owners says, "I wish my Camaro ran tens." The genie says, "Granted," and the Camaro owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. The Mustang owner decides to go one better, "I wish my Mustang ran nines" The genie says, "Granted," and the Mustang owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Now the genie turns to the DSMer and asks him, "What is your wish, master?" The DSMer says, "I wanna be the fastest DSM in the world. I wish my 1G ran a four second quarter." The genie laughs out loud; "Your wish is ridiculous! Do not insult me!" Somewhat disappointed, the DSMer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, genie. I wish my DSM was reliable and never broke down."
The genie replies "You want highfour seconds or low fourseconds?"


:D:D:D:D

[HiImBrian]

hahahah I love it!

[INTRIGUED]

This made me chuckle a bit I had to share it.


What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[1ViciousGSX]

:golfer:
A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive
goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club
and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second
shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her
golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be
able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you
will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows," shouts the husand.

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE
BALL!!!!"
:golfer:

[1ViciousGSX]

Two ladies talking in Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house. I ran up in the attic and searched, then down in the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so worked up and exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - - - - We'd both still be alive!

[JET]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[JET]

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen...




The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan yells back, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

[User Name]

:mj:


Neighbor in the apartment next to a guy starts pounding on the wall as the music is so loud, the person with the loud music says "GO AROUND!!".

Pounding continues, he says "I don't know if you have a door over there, but if you want in you gotta use the one through the hallway!"
:score001:


Oh and also, an escalator never becomes broken. It only becomes....STAIRS!! You never see one out of service



Thing that's depressing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, those things are fucking relentless!




I used to be a hot-tar roofer...yeah....I remember that....day.

[1ViciousGSX]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[JET]

I had to share!

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic'.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, when again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."