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100 Ways to be a Better Asshole
# Argue with everybody.
# Touch the paintings at the museum.
# Get hysterical.
# Threaten law suits.
# Insinuate, implicate and insist.
# If you got it, flaunt it.
# Eat produce at the grocery store and don't pay for it.
# Gamble with the rent money.
# Record over a borrowed vcr tape
# Tell people that they are in your will, even if they aren't.
# Don't get caught.
# Stay directly in front or behine fire trucks and ambulances.
# When giving out directions, leave out a turn or two.
# Don't make up your mind.
# Improve your posture by walking with your nose in the air.
# Remind people who lose their job that they should work harder.
# Talk with your mouth full.
# Accuse, confuse and refuse.
# Comment on the weight gain of others.
# Adjust your nuts (boob) whenever you want.
# Keep a pile of wisecracks for tense and serious situations.
# Answer a question with a question.
# See what it takes for the lifeguard to blow the whistle.
# Don't give to charities unless you get something back.
# Add the straw that breaks the camels back.
# Clean your finger nails at the dinner table.
# Tell people what they think they wanna hear.
# Notice good ideas and pass them on as your own.
# Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner or hotel reservations.
# Don't volunteer for the back seat and never take the middle one.
# Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
# Never do anything until you have been asked twice.
# Put off until tomorrow whatever you can do the day after tomorrow.
# Spot test "Wet Paint" signs.
# Go up on the down escalator and vice versa.
# Dont shower after a hard workout.
# Lie about your age.
# Change channels every two seconds
# Develop at least 3 strategies for cutting if front of a
# Underline in other peoples books.
# Slurp your soup.
# If you can't think of something nice, say something nasty.
# Be judgmental.
# Announce when your going to the bathroom.
# Read over peoples shoulders on the bus.
# Ignore deadlines.
# Revenge is sweet... so get some.
# Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while your at it, leave the cap off.
# Curse the umpire at a Little League game.
# When it says "Reserved Parking" that means you.
# Take the labels off of unopened cans.
# Cover up your mistakes and pass the blame.
# Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one that you want.
# Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.
# When your done with your gum, stick it under the chair.
# If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.
# Bribe little kids... cause they're easy!
# Put a rude message on someone elses answering machine.
# Measure people by their money and the clothes they wear.
# Be ambiguous, it lets you work both sides of the issue.
# Leave your underwear in the sink.
# Chew other peoples pencils.
# Support the death penalty for parking tickets.
# Get a backseat drivers license.
# Dish it out, but don't take it.
# Be a perfectionist in absolutely everything.
# Apologize a lot, but don't change.
# Change the rules to suit your needs.
# Put your cigarette out in planters.
# Wear a shirt thats says 'Fuck You' or to that affect.
# Pull the covers over to your side.
# Eat cookies or crackers in bed.
# Let doors slam behind you ? in people's faces.
# Repeat yourself.
# Repeat yourself.
# Tell your kids 'How it was..' back when you were a kid.
# Vividly describe a hysterectomy to your date before ordering dinner.
# Scribble your signature on important documents.
# Use the whole can of starter fluid on the charcoal.
# Put things back where they don't belong.
# Take a colicky baby to the movies.
# Have belching contests in restaurants.
# Make the same mistake twice.
# Pee in the swimming pool.
# Ride on the shoulder un you pass all the jammed traffic, and then cut in.
# Wear a large hat to the movies.
# Always have an ulterior motive.
# Always take the biggest piece.
# Forget the pooper scooper when walking your dog.
# Take cheap shots.
# Take forever to find a word in Scrabble.
# Cause gridlock.
# Get up on the wrong side of bed.
# Change your mind.
# Glue a chip on your shoulder.
# Put salt in sugar containers.
# Blow out other peoples birthday candles.
# Don't refill the ice cube tray.
# Ask people what they paid for their clothes.
# Cut off people in the middle of their sentences.
# Practice pulling the wool over people's faces.
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