Official Joke Thread!

[cmspaz]

^^^ Matt D, you just won this thread.

[goodhart]

Spaz quit kissing ass.

[Kracka]

LOL thats pretty good Matt

[LingLing]

That's awesome Matt.

[goodhart]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------





HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

[LingLing]

^^LMFAO^^

This one's a link because it's long. It is work safe, no naughty pictures and no audio.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_dec20...eCarWrecks.htm

[tehehodi]

LMAO, I like that shower one

[1ViciousGSX]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 million) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[1ViciousGSX]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[98gstaherns]

Two anti american protesters were boarding a flight from london one had the window seat and the other had the center seat. The aisle seat had a U.S marine in the seat heading back to the states, after they take off the marine kicks off his shoes to relax. A few hours into the flight the man at the window seat said he needed to get out to get a coke. The marine said "No no sit ill grab it for you." So the marine gets up goes to the back of the plane to get a coke. As he is doing so The protester grabs one of the marines shoes and spits in it. When the marine gets back the man in the center seat says "man that looks good will you get me one?" the marine smiles and say "Sure." As he goes back to grab the coke the other man spits in his other shoe. The marine returns and give him his coke, then sits back down to enjoy the rest of the flight. The plane then lands and the marine puts on his shoes and he immediately feels the spit in his shoes. He rolls his eyes and look at the two men and says " Why Do we have to be so hostile to each other, Spit in shoes and piss in cokes?"

[awd-drifter]

4 Catholic men and a Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh, My God."

[Constant_Project21]

I actually had tears come to my eyes, when laughing at the guy section of the shower joke LMFAO..hahaha. Why? Because its pretty god damn true hahahaha.

[1ViciousGSX]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”























































The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

[1ViciousGSX]

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor
for his yearly check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you
stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day." says the old
Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight
and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch
and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say
my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with
me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and
had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man
And he hunts and fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father
is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he
wont touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted
to?"

[1ViciousGSX]

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took ten dollars out of her wallet and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well', she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[1ViciousGSX]

Subject: BP - NO LONGER HIRING CAJUNS

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Thiobodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could…..

So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

[1ViciousGSX]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell
you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He
watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars
worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .......

Now give me back my dog.

[1QUICK4]

There was a girl laying on the beach and she had no arms or legs. A guy was about to jog past her when he noticed she was crying. So he stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said im 25 years old and never been kissed, he bent down and gave her a kiss. she was so happy this made her day.

The next day she was laying on the beach.The same guy was about to jog by, when he noticed that she was crying again. He stopped and said now why are you crying? She said im 25 years old and never been fucked. He bent down and picked her up and threw her in the water and said, NOW YOUR FUCKED!

[1ViciousGSX]

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

"I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" says Jose.

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars
to get back to Mexico!!

[awd-drifter]

^^^LMAO!!!