Official Joke Thread!

[AJ]

What gender is a Computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance,is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however,is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Halon]

A Marine Drill Instructor got word that one of his recruits Mother had just died. The instructor thought about how he should break the news to his young recruit all day long. He had never had to inform someone of a death before. At the end of the day all the recruits are standing at attention, in front of their beds. The Drill Instructor shouts out "Recruits, those of you with mothers take one step forward now!" The recruits who had mothers jumped forward, then the Drill Instructor quickly looked over and said "No not you Johnson!"

[Tauni]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[A//// Guy]

Good thing I dont like beer.

[Tauni]

Here's an interesting poem my mother taught me. Only the immature will appreciate it. I'm glad I'm still immature


Here I sit
All broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But only farted.
Later, I had a second chance.
Tried to fart,
But shit my pants.

[Shotgun!]

A man comes home from work and his wife tells him that the shoe salesman insulted her and she wants him to go beat him up. He asked what he said and she said that he wanted to eat my pussy full of icecream. The man yells you are the one I should beat up. First off you do not need any shoes, second I have told you about going to town with no panties on and third anyone who can eat that much icecream I ain't messing with.

[Talian]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
when I spend his cash on "MY DSM" he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind & body,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.

*Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with perky boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

*Amen*

[Tauni]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works



Haha that one might be old but its HILARIOUS

[Tauni]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works



Haha that one might be old but its HILARIOUS

[Super Bleeder!!]

and thanks for posting it TWICE

[A//// Guy]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get

undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes

Up,and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the

steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap

her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!

[Pushit2.0]

Thats a old one but a good one, I should try that.

~John

[Jakey]

Only a true Texan could think of this.... from the
county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar
in Austin, TX. After last call, the officer noticed a
man leaving the Bar, apparently so intoxicated that
he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into. He sat there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine, dry summer night)-- flicked
the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked
the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few &nbs! p;inches , reversed
a little and then remained still for a few more
minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles
left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the
parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
road. The police officer, having patiently waited
all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at
all!! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This
Breathalyzer equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight
I'm the Designated Decoy."

We Ain't all as dumb as we look!!!

[EclipseGST]

Three car guys are leaving a bar - a Camaro owner, a Mustang owner, and a DSMer. They spot a magic lamp in the parking lot and pick it up. The Camaro owners says, "I wish my Camaro ran tens." The genie says, "Granted," and the Camaro owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. The Mustang owner decides to go one better, "I wish my Mustang ran nines" The genie says, "Granted," and the Mustang owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Now the genie turns to the DSMer and asks him, "What is your wish, master?" The DSMer says, "I wanna be the fastest DSM in the world. I wish my 1G ran a four second quarter." The genie laughs out loud; "Your wish is ridiculous! Do not insult me!" Somewhat disappointed, the DSMer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, genie. I wish my DSM was reliable and never broke down."
The genie replies "You want highfour seconds or low fourseconds?"

[HiImBrian]

hahahah I love it!

[INTRIGUED]

This made me chuckle a bit I had to share it.


What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[1ViciousGSX]

A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive
goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club
and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second
shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her
golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be
able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you
will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows," shouts the husand.

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE
BALL!!!!"

[1ViciousGSX]

Two ladies talking in Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house. I ran up in the attic and searched, then down in the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so worked up and exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - - - - We'd both still be alive!

[JET]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[JET]

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen...




The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan yells back, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"