Official Joke Thread!

[Talian]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he instructed the chicken to grab the thing hanging-down and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ....... "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[A//// Guy]

Haha that was pretty good!

[Jana]

True Doctor Stories





A man comes into the ER and yells,

"My wife's going to

have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was



in the wrong one.



--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX











At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's

anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I

instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

remorsefully

replied the patient.



--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA









One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."



--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada







I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He

couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.



--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA







During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.



--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA





While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."



--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR





I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."



--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI







And Finally . . . .







A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.



The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?"



She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."



--won't admit his name

[TheBlizzard]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

[97gstchick]

WHY I AM TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep, not enough sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

[eclipseGSX108]

Hey i got one.. My step father just told me.. if someone has heard it sorry.. if someone has posted it tell me and i'll delete it.. i havn't read threw the whole thing...

here it goes lol

2 guys feel like going for a drink, The guys says lets go for a drink, other guy says alright then they figure out that they don't have any money.. they scavange up all the money they could making only a dollar. So the guy says wait i got a idea, he goes into a deli and gets 1 hot dog. The guy said why did you spend the money on a hotdog the other guy says, We'll go into the bar get our drinks and when we finish i'll put this hotdog threw my zipper and you get on your knees and start sucking on it.. they will think we are gay and kick our ass out! So they do this and it works, they go through about 4 bars then the guy that has been getting on his knees says, alright man lets call it quits, my knees are starting to hurt and i'm getting a little hungry, the other guy says thats wierd i'm not, i ate the hotdog about 2 stops back.

[Jakey]

Definition of ugly..........



An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks? "Are they twins"?

The woman says? "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why?? Do you think they look alike?"

"No",? he replies,? "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[Tauni]

Here's a good one:

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella every where he goes?

A: Fa Drizzle!

[Talian]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down! on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: " ..And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Talian]

A man and woman were at a bar having a drink. One thing led to another, and they began chatting, finding out that they were both doctors.
After an hour or so, and after getting along reasonably well, the man asked the woman, 'Listen, we are both professionals - why don't we have sex tonight, no strings attached!'
The woman doctor agreed, and returned with the male doctor back to his place. He went to the bedroom, and she to the bathroom - to prepare.
She undressed and began scrubbing her hands like she was going into the operating theatre. After ten minutes of scrubbing, she eventually went into the bedroom, and the two doctors had sex.

Afterwards, the man said, 'I'm guessing that you're a surgeon, right?'
'Yes,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?
'I could tell by how clean your hands were when you came back from the bathroom,' he replied.
'That makes sense,' she said. 'I'm guessing you're an anesthesiologist, right?'
Surprised, the man said, 'Yes I am! How did you know?'
'Because I couldn't feel a thing,' she replied.

[Talian]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we are now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.... !

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[Talian]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Talian]

How to say 'I love you' in 10 languages...

1) English: I Love You

2) Spanish: Te Amo

3) French: Je T'aime

4) German: lch Liebe Dich

5) Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

6) Thai: Phom rak khun

7) Italian: Ti amo

8) Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

9) Swedish: Jag Alskar

10) USA -more than 1/2 the states: Nice ass, Get in the truck!

[unreal808]

Why did the tomato turn red ?

[unreal808]

Originally Posted by unreal808

Why did the tomato turn red ?

Because it saw the salad dressing

[unreal808]

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with five guys? She came back with a big red snapper.

***********************


Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

************************
A boy was playing with himself in his room so loudly that his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you're going to go blind."
The boy responded, "Dad, I"m over here."

***********************

[Kracka]

Racial joke so don't read this if you are black or white and liberal:

(courtesy of Tauni)

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying ...

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!"

[Talian]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they are loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon agreed

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank
you for his new ears."

[Talian]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive
woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for
a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!"

[tonytalon]

i love this thread, keep it going guys