Official Joke Thread!

[User Name]

Neighbor in the apartment next to a guy starts pounding on the wall as the music is so loud, the person with the loud music says "GO AROUND!!".

Pounding continues, he says "I don't know if you have a door over there, but if you want in you gotta use the one through the hallway!"



Oh and also, an escalator never becomes broken. It only becomes....STAIRS!! You never see one out of service



Thing that's depressing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, those things are fucking relentless!




I used to be a hot-tar roofer...yeah....I remember that....day.

[1ViciousGSX]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[JET]

I had to share!

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic'.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, when again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

[JET]

One more...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind

blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused.

Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper

[1ViciousGSX]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of:
MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[1ViciousGSX]

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man ... "Costs too much!"

[Alpha D]

Rolling on the Floor laughing my God!! I can barely breath! This would be an awesome way to have people learn how to read hahaha you are having fun doing it!

[goodhart]

Why are women so amazing?

Because they can produce milk and don't eat grass, they can bleed without having to be cut, and they can bury a bone faster than any dog in the neighborhood!

[96GST16g]

bob and marry are going to get married so marys father has the '' talk '' with bob and says ... on my honey moon i took off my pants and gave them to sally...( his wife ) and i said try them on... she does so and says i cant fit in them and i replied thats bc i wear the pants in the relation ship.... so bob on his honey moon says marry try on my pants and she does so and says they dont fit and bob replies thats bc i wear the pants in this relationship and she takes off her panties and said try these on bob does so and replies they dont fit and she said yea thats good bc you will never getin in them

[96GST16g]

lil andy and his grandpa are out fishing and grandpa cracks opena beer and starts to drink it, lil andy asks grandpa can i have a beer and the grandpa replys can you dick touch your asshole and andy replys no grandpa says then your not old enough and little bit later grandpa starts smokin a cigarret and andy asks can i have one and grand pa says again can your dick touch your ass hole and andy says no he says then your not old enough then andy starts eating oreos and grandpa asks can i have one andy says can your dick touch your ass hole n grandpa says sure as hell can andy says then fuck your self

[1ViciousGSX]

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[tpunx99GSX]

Bush's Clock must be being used as a blender.

Originally Posted by 1ViciousGSX

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[1ViciousGSX]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"



"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."



Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"



The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."



The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"



Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"



Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."



"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.



"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"



"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.



Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"



Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"



Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.



"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."



Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Halon]

Ha!!!

[Kevin 1G Drummer]

Hahaha nice!

[polishmafia]

Hahaha!

[A//// Guy]

LOL! Awesome!

[1ViciousGSX]

Why athletes will never have "day jobs".

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black Hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[1ViciousGSX]

Two men are in a bar getting drunk when suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh No, the wife is goin to kill me". His friends says. "No worries, Mate, just tuck a 20 into your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone puked on you and gave you 20 for the cleaning bill". So they stay for a couple of more hours getting even drunker.

Eventually the man staggers home and as soon as he opens the door is wife starts giving him a hard time. She says, "God you're disgusting! You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself".

Speaking very slowly, so as to not slur, the man says, "You are mistaken. I only had one drink, but this other man at the bar got sick on me. He gave me 20 for the cleaning bill, just look in my pocket."

So she looks in his pocket and says, "This is 40 bucks".

"Ah yes," says the man, "He pissed in my pants too."

[awd-drifter]

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an asshole.”

-----------------------

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

------------------------

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One digs a hole and the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."