Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor
for his yearly check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you
stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day." says the old
Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight
and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch
and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say
my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with
me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and
had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man
And he hunts and fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father
is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he
wont touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted
to?"

[1ViciousGSX]

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took ten dollars out of her wallet and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well', she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[1ViciousGSX]

Subject: BP - NO LONGER HIRING CAJUNS

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Thiobodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could…..

So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

[1ViciousGSX]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell
you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He
watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars
worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .......

Now give me back my dog.

:rollinglaugh:

[1QUICK4]

There was a girl laying on the beach and she had no arms or legs. A guy was about to jog past her when he noticed she was crying. So he stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said im 25 years old and never been kissed, he bent down and gave her a kiss. she was so happy this made her day.

The next day she was laying on the beach.The same guy was about to jog by, when he noticed that she was crying again. He stopped and said now why are you crying? She said im 25 years old and never been fucked. He bent down and picked her up and threw her in the water and said, NOW YOUR FUCKED!

[1ViciousGSX]

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

"I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" says Jose.

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars
to get back to Mexico!!

[awd-drifter]

^^^LMAO!!!

[1ViciousGSX]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

[1ViciousGSX]

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch"

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[1ViciousGSX]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks
the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

:lol: