Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Three car guys are leaving a bar - a Camaro owner, a Mustang owner, and a DSMer. They spot a magic lamp in the parking lot and pick it up. The Camaro owners says, "I wish my Camaro ran tens." The genie says, "Granted," and the Camaro owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. The Mustang owner decides to go one better, "I wish my Mustang ran nines" The genie says, "Granted," and the Mustang owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Now the genie turns to the DSMer and asks him, "What is your wish, master?" The DSMer says, "I wanna be the fastest DSM in the world. I wish my 1G ran a four second quarter." The genie laughs out loud; "Your wish is ridiculous! Do not insult me!" Somewhat disappointed, the DSMer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, genie. I wish my DSM was reliable and never broke down."
The genie replies "You want highfour seconds or low fourseconds?"


:D:D:D:D

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

hahahah I love it!

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This made me chuckle a bit I had to share it.


What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

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:golfer:
A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive
goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club
and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second
shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her
golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be
able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you
will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows," shouts the husand.

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE
BALL!!!!"
:golfer:

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Two ladies talking in Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house. I ran up in the attic and searched, then down in the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so worked up and exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - - - - We'd both still be alive!

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen...




The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan yells back, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

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:mj:


Neighbor in the apartment next to a guy starts pounding on the wall as the music is so loud, the person with the loud music says "GO AROUND!!".

Pounding continues, he says "I don't know if you have a door over there, but if you want in you gotta use the one through the hallway!"
:score001:


Oh and also, an escalator never becomes broken. It only becomes....STAIRS!! You never see one out of service



Thing that's depressing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, those things are fucking relentless!




I used to be a hot-tar roofer...yeah....I remember that....day.

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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

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I had to share!

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic'.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, when again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

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One more...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind

blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused.

Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper

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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of:
MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man ... "Costs too much!"

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Rolling on the Floor laughing my God!! I can barely breath! This would be an awesome way to have people learn how to read hahaha you are having fun doing it!

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Why are women so amazing?

Because they can produce milk and don't eat grass, they can bleed without having to be cut, and they can bury a bone faster than any dog in the neighborhood!

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bob and marry are going to get married so marys father has the '' talk '' with bob and says ... on my honey moon i took off my pants and gave them to sally...( his wife ) and i said try them on... she does so and says i cant fit in them and i replied thats bc i wear the pants in the relation ship.... so bob on his honey moon says marry try on my pants and she does so and says they dont fit and bob replies thats bc i wear the pants in this relationship and she takes off her panties and said try these on bob does so and replies they dont fit and she said yea thats good bc you will never getin in them

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lil andy and his grandpa are out fishing and grandpa cracks opena beer and starts to drink it, lil andy asks grandpa can i have a beer and the grandpa replys can you dick touch your asshole and andy replys no grandpa says then your not old enough and little bit later grandpa starts smokin a cigarret and andy asks can i have one and grand pa says again can your dick touch your ass hole and andy says no he says then your not old enough then andy starts eating oreos and grandpa asks can i have one andy says can your dick touch your ass hole n grandpa says sure as hell can andy says then fuck your self

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A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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Bush's Clock must be being used as a blender.

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Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"



"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."



Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"



The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."



The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"



Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"



Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."



"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.



"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"



"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.



Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"



Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"



Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.



"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."



Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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Ha!!!

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Hahaha nice!

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Hahaha!

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LOL! Awesome!

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Why athletes will never have "day jobs".

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black Hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

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Two men are in a bar getting drunk when suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh No, the wife is goin to kill me". His friends says. "No worries, Mate, just tuck a 20 into your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone puked on you and gave you 20 for the cleaning bill". So they stay for a couple of more hours getting even drunker.

Eventually the man staggers home and as soon as he opens the door is wife starts giving him a hard time. She says, "God you're disgusting! You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself".

Speaking very slowly, so as to not slur, the man says, "You are mistaken. I only had one drink, but this other man at the bar got sick on me. He gave me 20 for the cleaning bill, just look in my pocket."

So she looks in his pocket and says, "This is 40 bucks".

"Ah yes," says the man, "He pissed in my pants too."

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A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an asshole.”

-----------------------

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

------------------------

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One digs a hole and the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Your jokes own, Vicious!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Thanks. :spin:

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a man says to his wife you can either go hunting with me, give me a bj, or do anal sex with me. she replys well i am not goin hunting and i dont like anal sex, ill give you a bj. so after its all over with she says, " that tasted like shit!" he replys yea the dog didnt want to go either

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Q: What has three legs and is the laughing stock of the forum?





A: Tom's work bench!
:lol:

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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero .. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Poker Face


Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

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ahahahahahahaha....now THATS good stuff there...lol

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^^^ lol ^^^

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lmao

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LOL smart man!

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

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Lol

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

ahahahahahahahaha