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Re: Official Joke Thread!
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, you're It 2. Hide and go pee 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6. Musical recliners 7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Things to do at Wal-Mart while the person you came with is taking their sweet time.
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Men Are Just Happier People because:
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park or no shirt most places. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can play with toys all your life. You never have to drive to another gas station it use the restroom because this one is just too gross. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat (very few exceptions). A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap (clothing malfunction) problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Same work, more pay. ***Never menstruate -ages may very- ages 13 to 54 =41yrs x 12mo.= 492mo. lasting 4-11 days, Products/ pain killers per mo. (cost will increase) 7+5+12=$24 per mo. x 492mo.= $11,808.00 ($288yr *not tax deductible* & does not include chocolate) ***Never get pregnant -(9mo, crazy hormones, morning sick, 25lbs or more of baby, everything swollen, walk like a duck, 5hrs to 72hrs+ labor w/possibility of c-section, stretch marks for life) -then spend the rest of your life hoping the kids will call. -Call your mom (mom's day 5/14) |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.... The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again? He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on his head." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
80% of gay men are born gay, the other 20% are sucked into it.
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy black wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
Here is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other: DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Another funny rant.
Dear Kotex, I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as: - Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. - Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. - Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. - Try Kotex blah blah blah other products. Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol. Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the "Always" brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. PUT THE SHIT IN A PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER SO WE CAN THROW IT IN OUR CARTS DISCREETLY AND HAVE IT BLEND IN AMONG THE WINE AND BEER! There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. Ovarily Yours, Miss PMS |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
wow lol
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
Going home after a Girls’ night out ...
The other night a wowan was invited out for a night with "the girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. -Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Bored? Here ya go.
Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time ;) http://funny2.com/facts.htm |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Quote:
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL::D |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Quote:
http://funny2.com/hedberg.htm |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
BACON & EGGS
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. ! The lit tle boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love; She Planned To Marry Joe She Was So Happy 'bout It All She Told Her Pappy So. Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal, You'll Have To Find Another. I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know, But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother. So Susie Put Aside Her Joe And Planned To Marry Will, But After Telling Pappy This, He Said, "there's Trouble Still. You Can't Marry Will, My Gal, And Please Don't Tell You' Mother, But Will And Joe, And Several Mo' I Know Is Yo' Half Brother. But Mama Knew And Said, My Child, Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy. Marry Will Or Marry Joe. You Ain't No Kin To Pappy |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a steep drop off and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer is : Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round! |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Female predators!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happen ed to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage; If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm! going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch." |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Hahaha! Good one Alan!
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
What gender is a Computer?
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance,is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however,is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
A Marine Drill Instructor got word that one of his recruits Mother had just died. The instructor thought about how he should break the news to his young recruit all day long. He had never had to inform someone of a death before. At the end of the day all the recruits are standing at attention, in front of their beds. The Drill Instructor shouts out "Recruits, those of you with mothers take one step forward now!" The recruits who had mothers jumped forward, then the Drill Instructor quickly looked over and said "No not you Johnson!"
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
BE ADVISED!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages. For a video to see how beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf Beer Demo |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Good thing I dont like beer.
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
Here's an interesting poem my mother taught me. Only the immature will appreciate it. I'm glad I'm still immature :)
Here I sit All broken hearted. Tried to shit But only farted. Later, I had a second chance. Tried to fart, But shit my pants. |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
A man comes home from work and his wife tells him that the shoe salesman insulted her and she wants him to go beat him up. He asked what he said and she said that he wanted to eat my pussy full of icecream. The man yells you are the one I should beat up. First off you do not need any shoes, second I have told you about going to town with no panties on and third anyone who can eat that much icecream I ain't messing with.
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Re: Official Joke Thread!
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash on "MY DSM" he won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind & body, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind? I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend. *Amen. MALE PRAYER: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac, with perky boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. *Amen* |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works Haha that one might be old but its HILARIOUS |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works Haha that one might be old but its HILARIOUS |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
and thanks for posting it TWICE ;)
|
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up,and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time! |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Thats a old one but a good one, I should try that.
~John |
Re: Official Joke Thread!
Only a true Texan could think of this.... from the
county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, TX. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the Bar, apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night)-- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few &nbs! p;inches , reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken". "I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy." We Ain't all as dumb as we look!!! |
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