Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Blonde Joke

Three women visit Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning. None of them
can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I'm from Grace University
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately
prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering and I'll tell you right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Some jokes for everyone;)

-You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

-At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

-When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

-A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

-A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

-Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

-If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

-Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

-A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

-One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what ! do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

-Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? !

A: Trustworthy.

-Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

-Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

-Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such
a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T,
is hairy,oval,delicious and contains thin,whitish
liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong....

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real
passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Pee.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo' sound again.! ; Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

This may be a repost but its a good one...

How to keep a blond busy. Check it out, too long to post in here.

http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

-----They both come on little crackers.
__________________________________________

Why do tampons have strings?

-----So men can floss when they get done eating.
__________________________________________

What do you call a tampon?

-----Beaver Dam
__________________________________________

Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?

-----More traction in the mud.
__________________________________________

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

-----The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.
__________________________________________


-----2 gay guys are having sex when the phone rings. 1 guy jumps up and says hold on, I'll be right back, but whatever you do, dont come. 5 mins later the guy comes back and there is come all over the sheets, head board and the wall. The guy says, "What the hell, I told you not to come." The other guy replies, "I didnt, I farted."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he instructed the chicken to grab the thing hanging-down and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ....... "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Haha that was pretty good!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

True Doctor Stories





A man comes into the ER and yells,

"My wife's going to

have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff,

rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her

underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was



in the wrong one.



--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX











At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's

anterior chest wall.

Big breaths," I

instructed. Yes, they used to be,"

remorsefully

replied the patient.



--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA









One day I had to be the bearer

of bad news when I told

a wife that her

husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting

to the rest of the family

that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."



--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada







I was performing a complete physical,

including the

visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty

feet from the chart and

began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left."

Again, a flawless read Now both,"

I requested. There

was silence. He

couldn't even read the

large E on the top line. I

turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing

there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing

too hard to finish the exam.



--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA







During a patient's two week

follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor,

that he was having trouble

with one of his

medications. Which one?"

I asked. The patch. The nurse

told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of

places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man

had over fifty patches on his body! Now the

instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.



--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA





While acquainting myself with

a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete

confusion she answered ...

Why, not for about twenty years

-- when my husband was alive."



--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR





I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

It's very good, except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"

the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

labeled "KY Jelly."



--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI







And Finally . . . .







A new, young MD doing his

residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover

his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed

a habit of whistling softly.



The middle aged lady upon whom

he was performing this

exam suddenly burst

out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and

sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?"



She replied, "No doctor,

but the song you were

whistling was 'I wish I was

an Oscar Meyer Wiener."



--won't admit his name

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

WHY I AM TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep, not enough sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Hey i got one.. My step father just told me.. if someone has heard it sorry.. if someone has posted it tell me and i'll delete it.. i havn't read threw the whole thing...

here it goes lol

2 guys feel like going for a drink, The guys says lets go for a drink, other guy says alright then they figure out that they don't have any money.. they scavange up all the money they could making only a dollar. So the guy says wait i got a idea, he goes into a deli and gets 1 hot dog. The guy said why did you spend the money on a hotdog the other guy says, We'll go into the bar get our drinks and when we finish i'll put this hotdog threw my zipper and you get on your knees and start sucking on it.. they will think we are gay and kick our ass out! So they do this and it works, they go through about 4 bars then the guy that has been getting on his knees says, alright man lets call it quits, my knees are starting to hurt and i'm getting a little hungry, the other guy says thats wierd i'm not, i ate the hotdog about 2 stops back. :D

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

So Princess Diana and Dolly Parton died on the same day. Both of them are at the gates of heaven waiting for God. When God comes up he says,
"Ladies, I only have room for one person tonight. So you're going to have to compete...Whoever can impress me the most will get in."

Immediately Dolly Parton takes her shirt off and shows off her huge breasts. God says, "Wow, Dolly, that's really impressive..Your turn Princess"

So Princess Diana rummages through her purse and pulls out this bottle, shoves it up her pu**y and dousches, right there in front of God."

God says, "WOW, Princess, that's amazing! You get to come in to heaven tonight!!"

Dolly replies, "How is that impressive! That's disgusting!!!!"

God shook his head and told dolly, "Dolly.....A Royal Flush ALWAYS beats a Big Pair!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Definition of ugly..........



An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks? "Are they twins"?

The woman says? "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why?? Do you think they look alike?"

"No",? he replies,? "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Here's a good one:

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella every where he goes?

A: Fa Drizzle!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down! on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: " ..And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A man and woman were at a bar having a drink. One thing led to another, and they began chatting, finding out that they were both doctors.
After an hour or so, and after getting along reasonably well, the man asked the woman, 'Listen, we are both professionals - why don't we have sex tonight, no strings attached!'
The woman doctor agreed, and returned with the male doctor back to his place. He went to the bedroom, and she to the bathroom - to prepare.
She undressed and began scrubbing her hands like she was going into the operating theatre. After ten minutes of scrubbing, she eventually went into the bedroom, and the two doctors had sex.

Afterwards, the man said, 'I'm guessing that you're a surgeon, right?'
'Yes,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?
'I could tell by how clean your hands were when you came back from the bathroom,' he replied.
'That makes sense,' she said. 'I'm guessing you're an anesthesiologist, right?'
Surprised, the man said, 'Yes I am! How did you know?'
'Because I couldn't feel a thing,' she replied.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we are now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.... !

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

How to say 'I love you' in 10 languages...

1) English: I Love You

2) Spanish: Te Amo

3) French: Je T'aime

4) German: lch Liebe Dich

5) Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

6) Thai: Phom rak khun

7) Italian: Ti amo

8) Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

9) Swedish: Jag Alskar

10) USA -more than 1/2 the states: Nice ass, Get in the truck!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Why did the tomato turn red ?

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Racial joke so don't read this if you are black or white and liberal:

(courtesy of Tauni)

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying ...

"Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Because it saw the salad dressing

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with five guys? She came back with a big red snapper.

***********************


Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

************************
A boy was playing with himself in his room so loudly that his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you're going to go blind."
The boy responded, "Dad, I"m over here."

***********************

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they are loose and flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon agreed

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank
you for his new ears."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive
woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for
a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

i love this thread, keep it going guys

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Funny rant!

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing lawns.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men!

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
Again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -- with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Those last two (posts)are great, Talian!!! :D

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Not sure if this is old, but I found it quite entertaining, haha!:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts rebuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.
If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask,
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.
International Council of Manhood

-It is always funny when men send me these kind of emails.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

ive seen that before. or something like it. its so true haha

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

One day a woman met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some time later, on her birthday, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the countryside she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed by a small diner and the smell of baked beans was more than she could stand. With miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home, so she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she made sure that she released all the gas. Upon her arrival, her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to a chair at the dinner table.

She took a seat and just as he was about to remove her blindfold, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, and ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, she continued and with each blast the pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she quickly fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with herself.

Her face must have been the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked her if she had peeked through the blindfold, and she assured him she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

She fainted!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? "

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that,your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

DRUGS NAMES

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi is looking to get into the market offering the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Nice:D

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

there's a priest and a rabbi walking through a park.

the priest says, "hey, there's two little boys, lets go fuck 'em!"

the rabbi says, "out of what?"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

-Beware of old ladies!

Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies yelled out,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old ladies said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The old ladies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times,
asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The old ladies, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!"