At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!


(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! )


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Great find Jet.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems
OK,
but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her
up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they
treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies.
"Except they won't let you fart."

LOLOL HAHAHA that is funny!

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off
to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was
cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his
Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope
watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with
two men aboard. One of the men, President George W.
Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side
while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious John Kerry from the water. Then using
(autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the
two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into
the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the
beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave
actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some
bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry,
but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not
true"

As the Pope drove off, Dick asked President Bush "Who
was that?"

"It was the Pope," George replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," Dick said, "he may have access to God's
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark
fishing................how's the bait holding up

What's the difference between Louis Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?

Louis Armstrong played the trumpet.

Micheal Jackson fucks little boys.

THE LONE RANGER
Submitted by Rich - Haviland Saw Mill

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor
of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more gorgeous than the beautiful
blonde.She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night. The
following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse,........alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him
square in the eye and says, "Listen .



very





CAREFULLY





for





the





last





time





I said.....





"Bring POSSE!"

HAAHAHAAAHAHAHA :lol: :lol: That is great!

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

************************************************** ****

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

That first one is hilarious!!!

Lesson 5 is the shit! No pun intended!

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."


CRAIG

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."


CRAIG

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"


CRAIG

A guy named Justin gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Justin looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver whos name is Craig says to Justin, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." Justin says that he'd love to know, so Craig tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

Justin decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying, Justin jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. Justin agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After Justin finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the guy from the bus!!"

Then Craig jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

CRAIG

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud


(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao




Stupid Man

Dum Gai




Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni




Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?




I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni




It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim




This is a tow away zone

No Pah King




You are not very bright

Yu So Dum




I got this for free

Ai No Pei




I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?




Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?




They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.




Stay out of sight

Lei Lo




He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.




Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki




I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?


CRAIG

OK I AM DONE NOW. LOL.

It's all so true

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted
to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a
big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving
the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o' this.

I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

LOL, that' funny & gross at the same time. :D

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved. He signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% ofthe mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

My manager at The Home Depot told me this one:

A young farmer and his wife just got married. There mode of transportation is a mule drawn carriage.

The journey to the farmers homestead is around 25 miles. About 10 miles into the trip, the carriage stops:
Wife: "What happened?"
young farmer: "The mule must have gotten tired, I'll go fix that."
So the farmer hops out of the carriage and proceeds to walk up to the mule, who is sitting on his rump. He squares off with the mule, points his finger at the mule's face and says "Thats one!"
Immediatly the mule stands back up, he goes back to the carriage, and they proceed down the road.

About 5 miles later, the carriage stops again.
Wife: "Hunny!"
Young farmer: "Damm mule, I'll take care of this!"
So once again the farmer hops out, walks up the the mule, and squares with him. Pointing his finger in his the mules's face, "Thats TWO!"
The mule gets up and they proceed down the road.
About a mile later, the carriage stops again.
wife: "This is getting annoying"
The young farmer, without a word, gets out of the carriage, walks to get back and gets something.
As he squares off with the mule, he points his gun and blows the mule's head clean off. "Thats three", he says as he puts the gun down.
Immediatly the wife screams at him. "What are you doing? How are we going to get home now? Why did you do that to the poor mule?"
He calmly walks up to the carriage, hops in, points his finger and says, "Thats one!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

True story.

-An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Here is a few good jokes for you guys:

How do you know you're in a church that welcome homosexuals?
-Only half the congregation kneels and prays.

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape that sound sexy and brought it home. Once at home she removed all her clothes and put the tape in the VCR. When nothing appeared on the screen except static she called the video store and complained saying "I just rented a porno from and theres nothing on the tape but static" The clerk said " Sorry about that, what movie is it?" The blonde replied "Head Cleaners."

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. Once said to another, "how about it?" The other replied, "no way, I came into this world from a broken rubber and I am not leaving the same way."

A man walked into a sex shop and asked the clerk for a blow up doll. The clerk asked "christian or muslim?" The man said "whats the difference" the clerk repied "the muslim one blow her self up."

CRAIG

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?





































The entire front row at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

why did the cookie go to the doctor??????












HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY......

HAHAHA

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Wait, I get it! Hahahahaha, that is funny! Feeling Crummy! hahahahahahah!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

so, this japanese guy jumps out of the closet and yells, "SUPLIES!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

People around my area know how much I hate the current heat streak we're having here. Thought i would share this with you.



Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is

beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.



June 14th:



Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.



June 30th:



Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus

and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for

me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



July 10th:



The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of breezy, though.

But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.



July 15th:



Fell asleep by the community pool - got 3rd degree burns over 60% of

my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned

my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



July 20th:



I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died

and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water

balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and *****. I learned my

lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes

again.



July 25th:



The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's

hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC

repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order

parts.



July 30th:



Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house

and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever

come here?



Aug. 4th:



It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It

cost $500 and only gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this

stupid state.



Aug. 8th:



If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to

strangle him. Damned heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator

is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked

cat!!



Aug. 9th:



Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on

the seats in the car, I thought my *** was on fire. My skin melted to

the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my

legs and *** ... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ***, AND

baked cat.



Aug 10th:



The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2

damned months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next

week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will

be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.



Aug. 14th:



Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the

car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you

today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Bet

that glass man will never ask THAT question, again !!! Will write

later to let you know how my trial goes.

Freaking Arizona!!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to

live here in the summertime??? Now I know why all those old folks head

back up north every May!!!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Those aren't real, they are just jokes. The funny thing is that the log books have stupid shit like that all the time. Whats even worse is that the flight attendants get their own log books.. The jokes are great though :)

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A cowboy was herding cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area into a high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex calculations, then uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.



He watches the young man select on of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not?"



"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." the cowboy says.



"Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you know?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.....



.....Now give me back my dog!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

More proof that gasoline prices are out of control:

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars
worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

That read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing.

It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Math joke.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

alright no offence to black people but.

there was a black guy at thebus station waiting for the bus and he really needed to take a shit, he doesnt want to leave because he might miss the bus so he takes it right where he was standing. a couple minutes later the bus comes by and the bus driver says to the man with the poop next to him " it will be 1 dollar for you and 50 cents for your little brother"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

"Drive-Through Banking"

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note
that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful
research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."


"Male Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

















"Female Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance from
the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and
place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

lol