Scaring the kids


A blonde gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the man.

She rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing her four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Mommy! Mommy! Jody the babysitter's hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past her screaming husband and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is the babysitter, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You bitch,' yells the blonde, 'my husband's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'

A young blonde woman in East Dubuque, Illinois was so
depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,I can stow youaway on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?"the captain asked. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Diamond Joe Casino, and we never leave Dubuque, Iowa."

haha! :lol:

hahahahahahahahaha :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: Those are all great jokes!!! :lol:

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!!!"

CRAIG

This is kinda old but....

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the family farm, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's family farm, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our family farm. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your family farm if you send her just the word
"comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :lol:

Blonde Revenge

It has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes :slap:



WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
Brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all
over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over
the streets of Gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing.

They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven
clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them
aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is
home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,
let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on."

The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do
for
you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down
there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back.

What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now.
These Texans done put the fire out, and are trying to install air
conditioning!"

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, huskyvoice, the woman next to him
says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, think it is just fair - given that you
are
blind - that you should know five things:
1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. - Th e bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is professional
weightlifter.
5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not
if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

:lol: :lol:

:cheers:

John walks into a bar. He is two steps in and realizes it's a gay
bar. He decides that he really wants a drink, so what the heck.
As Patrick, the gay waiter, approached John, he asks John,
"What's the name of your penis?"
John says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
Patrick says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your penis. For instance, mine is called
"Nike", for the slogan "Just do it", That guy down at the end of the bar calls his "Snickers" because "it really satisfies."
John looked dumbfounded, so Patrick tells him he will give him a
minute to think it over. So John turns to the man sipping a
beer to his left, ask's, "Hey bud, what's the name of your
penis?"
The man smiles, looks over, and says, "TIMEX." John asks, "Why
Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin'." A little shaken, John turns to the fella on his right sipping a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis"?
That man turns to John and proudly exclaims, "FORD," because
quality is Job 1"! Then adds, "Have you driven a
Ford lately?" Even more shaken, John thinks for a moment before
he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to Patrick and exclaims. "The name of my penis is Secret! Now give me a beer!!"
Patrick begins to pour John's beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why Secret?" John says,
"STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she headsup another flight

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."

thats great :lol:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching th e roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I s hould bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-yea r-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

doctor took new nurse on rounds in first room patient was playing with himself, nurse got embarrased dotcor said guy was ill had virus in groin had to do that several times daily, in next room nurse was bent over bed giveing head, doctor said dont be alarmed same virus better insurance

:lol:

cough*punctuation*cough

EDIT: Dont know why in the hell I said grammer the first time.

I heard this one on 93x:
What do women and dog shit have in common?



The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

cough*grammer*cough [/b][/quote]
Yea I thought that was funnier than the joke! haha jk ;)

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.

There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading, the few
who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence.

Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

***********
HANGOVER

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and
sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's
the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to go shopping. Love you.'

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is
a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in
the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Bill asks, 'So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off
you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!'

***********
Isn't this the truth........



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.( ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ? )

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,

* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,

* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her, * Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN




* Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV............




A bit long post but a few good one's

From the movie Natural Born Killers (don't get your panties in a bunch if this isn't word for word)

"Once upon a time, there was a woman out looking for food. She found a snake frozen in the snow, so she took it home and nursed it back to health. The snake eventually bit her on the cheek. While laying on her death bed, the woman looked at the snake and said:
"Why did you do this to me?"
The snake replied, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

:bounce:

:lol:
aint that the damn truth

I'm RICK JAMES, BITCH


Charlie Murphy...

What did the 5 fingers say to the face???




S L A P!!!!!!! :bounce:

Bitches, Show Rick James your titties!!!

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said,

"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest
of
it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell
it tonight. At the dinner table."

Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the
undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the Army.

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and
said to him.."Take me ....young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ....And
that's
when I shot the little bastard

A modern day cowboy, has spent many days, crossing the desert without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last,
when all of a sudden,
he sees an object sticking out of the sand, several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing, an Internal Revenue Service ID badge, and a dull gray
dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie."You know how I work. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway."

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis,with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself, in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with, jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish, is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself, surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no
matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon!


The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

:lol: Good one E! :lol:

Mrs. Vaccaro comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with
a
female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Anthony replied, "Well, I doubt
it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, and
I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother, especially if she's
Italian!

Giving Blood...

Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was
crying, tears pouring down his face.

The other blond man asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for a blood test."

The second one asked, "So? What are you crying for? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut
off
my finger."

Upon hearing this, the second man began to cry. The first man was
astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

The second man replied, "I came here for a urine test."

ADDAD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out
the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in
the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.


I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find
the
remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day, the officer decides he might give
the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So,
he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer
asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a
last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost
it. The cop thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's
a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, a
funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to
myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized
that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school,
internship, residency, finally got my degree; so I became Fred
Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. While
practicing dentistry I started fooling around with my assistant. She
gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred
Dingaling,
MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred
Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The
officer walked away in tears, laughing.

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and
told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me
in
the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up
quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward
the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The
Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30
minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to
kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

owned!

a guy goes to a whore house and says he wants the best hooker they have... the ladie behind the counter replies "ok you can have sandpaper sally" hes replies "is she good" "yeah shes the best" so he goes in the back room with sandpaper sally and they start fucking and hes like "stop its like chaffing and scratching me!!!" so she gets up and goes to the bathroom and after a little while she comes back and starts fucking him again, this time he finishes and exclaims "DAMN that was fucking awesome, what did you do in the bathroom?" then she replies... "Picked the scaps and let the puss run"