Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor
for his yearly check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you
stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day." says the old
Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight
and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch
and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say
my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got
to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with
me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and
had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man
And he hunts and fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father
is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he
wont touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your
grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted
to?"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took ten dollars out of her wallet and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well', she said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

She said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Subject: BP - NO LONGER HIRING CAJUNS

British Petroleum announced today that they will no longer hire Cajuns to help in the cleanup. Thiobodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to clean as many brown pelicans as they could…..

So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell
you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He
watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars
worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .......

Now give me back my dog.

:rollinglaugh:

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

There was a girl laying on the beach and she had no arms or legs. A guy was about to jog past her when he noticed she was crying. So he stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said im 25 years old and never been kissed, he bent down and gave her a kiss. she was so happy this made her day.

The next day she was laying on the beach.The same guy was about to jog by, when he noticed that she was crying again. He stopped and said now why are you crying? She said im 25 years old and never been fucked. He bent down and picked her up and threw her in the water and said, NOW YOUR FUCKED!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

"I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" says Jose.

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars
to get back to Mexico!!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

^^^LMAO!!!

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch"

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks
the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

:lol:

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the
nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his
clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on
the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the
man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs
the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has
an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for
the surgeon to locate and sever.


The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masterbating furiously.
Curious, the man asks "What the hell, what are they doing in there"?


The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue
Cross/Blue Shield and they have Obama Care."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’

The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’

The cowboy explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

The woman giggles and replies ‘Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties.’

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ‘Damn thing’s an hour fast.’

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

And that's how the fight started!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

ADULT TRUTHS:
　
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
　
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand
a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and
Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey
in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it
only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also
important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A very enlightening story, nice to see the Minnesota Court System can be effective!

Minnesota Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.


A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The
boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and
regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said
that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota
Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO ,
WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS,
AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND
TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A
BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES
TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO
ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER
EAR AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND
GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO .

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to OKLAHOMA .

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd
rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than
let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,


"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

May be a repost from somewhere, but I don't care. Too may good ones on here to post, so I'll just supply the link. :D

*** Edited for the right reasons and I'll leave it at that ***

LOL

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Got this in an email:


The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Thought I'd share some good humor with you all:

Ancient Proverbs:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

^^Also, Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers. :lol:

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

I was walking thur the park and saw this beautiful woman. In an instant there was a spark between us. She dropped to her knees at my feet. As we lay making love in the grass, I thought to myself....

Damn these tasers are well worth the money...

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat." "I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

^^^ Saw that same joke two months ago, but the parties were reversed.

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LOL!!!! I read this joke and almost spewed pink lemonade all over myself.

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Wife helps out the cop

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

--------------

Three Women on death row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

-------------------

That is why I am here

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

---------------

It ain't hard

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

-------------

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A good ole ALABAMA boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home, his wife looks at him and says, "What are you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later ( also a graduate of BAMA). He sees the wife and asks, wheres my brother? She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house, sees him sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What the hell are you doing?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin, What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?His brother yells, "It's people like you that give us people from ALABAMA a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

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A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

A dog followed his owner to school. His owner was a 4th grader at a public school. When the bell rang, the dog went inside & made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed & shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered, & stared at the closed doors. Then GOD appeared beside the dog, patted his head and said, "Don't feel bad, fella...THEY WON'T LET ME IN EITHER!!!..

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them motherfuckers."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

LOLOL

One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were to big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.
As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and theirs daughters date said he could get it out for him. The daughters date put his two fingers in her fathers nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut fell out. The daughter and her date went up stairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was in coming up with that idea.
The man's wife asked, "I wonder what he's going to be when he grows up."
The man says, "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

LOLOL ^^^

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HAHA!!

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."