JET
07-14-2004, 01:07 AM
2004 Darwin Awards....
?
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its
an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it. And the nominees are:
?
1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
?
2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
?
3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
?
4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
?
5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights,
power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians"
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the
warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting mÍlČe, was
virtually untouched by the
explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never
been thought of by his peers as "all there." And the Winner:
?
6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was
more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,
and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300 graphite
shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
?
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - Its
an Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it. And the nominees are:
?
1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
?
2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
?
3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
?
4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
?
5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights,
power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians"
from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the
warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting mÍlČe, was
virtually untouched by the
explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never
been thought of by his peers as "all there." And the Winner:
?
6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was
more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,
and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300 graphite
shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.